But it's okay, because the javelinas are still here. As well as ... other things.

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Dear Protagonist and the Secondary Character He's Trying to Save,

Umm. Well. I seem to have killed you.

Don't worry. I can fix it. I can always fix it. It's no big deal really. There's a moment like this in every book, and no one's died for good yet.

Well, no one whose death I didn't consent to first.

Me

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Dear Protagonist Whose Snack Food Preferences Have Been Explored in Some Detail,

Really, I think this story and its relationship arcs may come down to whether you prefer chocolate or Cheetos.

Cheetos don't melt. But they do stain your hands more, and … umm, you don't want to follow this analogy further any more than I do, do you?

Hey, where are you going with those pork skins?

Me

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Dear Not-Even-Tertiary Character Who Happens To Have Once Dated the Protagonist,

You're a tossed off name and a few scraps of backstory. We never even meet you except through a few stray text messages.

So surely you didn't really mean to develop a book-of-your-own-spawning personality in the penultimate chapter of the book.

I didn't think so.

Me

P.S. Yes, I suppose it is technically true that I don't know any of my characters except through text. Your point?