Desert Dispatches - Writing about loss

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28 April 2008 @ 08:40 am

Writing about loss

Some of my middle grade reading lately has gotten me to thinking about the question of ... why do we so often write about loss when we write for children? (And not only in stories where the beloved pet dies -- in other ways, as well.)

I do it, too -- I can't think of a book where I haven't done it in one way or another, though in Secret it's pretty subtle and not really the main point -- so I don't think we should stop doing it. But I do find myself wondering: do we write about loss because it's a part of young lives, and so relevant to young readers? Or do we write about loss because it's part of adult lives, and so relevant to us--are we projecting our own concerns onto our readers?

Or is that an impossible distinction to make, because children's lives and adult lives exist in the same larger world, after all, and we can't tease them apart or pretend they exist in isolation from one another?

Tags: writing craft

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sartorias on April 28th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)

Here's my thought: It's dramatic--it's real--it's an adult concern--and of course it is so easy to fit into that urge to write a "lesson" story that impels so many who write for children.

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:44 pm (UTC)

In other words, for as much as a range of reasons as the reasons we write about anything else?

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sartorias on April 28th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC)

Ayup...with maybe an extra emphasis on the lesson (inevitable given the nature of kidzlit)

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)

Yeah. The lesson thing (which I think you brought up in your journal a while back) is a whole troubled subject of its own.

If we're teaching kids, there are so many things to teach, dealing with loss being only one of them ... but you already know my biases tend toward being wary of overt teaching, for all that it tends to sneak into stories anyway.

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sartorias on April 28th, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC)

I think it's inherent in the form. Like one of the other peeps on the thread said, kids read to learn about the world, and writers who write for kids have something to say about the world. Some teaching is overt, some is just through the limits of paradigm.

It's too hot to think, but my question is a kind of mirror: how many kids do you know who read to pieces kid fiction that seems utterly content free?

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janni on April 28th, 2008 07:03 pm (UTC)

I'd have to ask around, but my guess would be, all of them.

And also that they find content there we never would have imagined.

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malkingrey on April 28th, 2008 04:13 pm (UTC)

In part, it may be because so much of children's literature is, overtly or covertly, about the process of growing up, which involves loss -- in nostalgic retrospect, at least. (And for some reason, it isn't quite as much the done thing to write about all the things that are gained, such as autonomy and freedom.)

Or maybe it's done on the mithridatic principle: take lots of small doses of Loss&Sadness while you're young, to build up a resistance for later.

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:46 pm (UTC)

And for some reason, it isn't quite as much the done thing to write about all the things that are gained, such as autonomy and freedom.

You have me thinking about this now. Because for me, growing up was never about loss--my hardest years were my earlier ones, and after elementary school my life was a progressive process of getting my act together and things getting better; and I was always desperately striving for that autonomy and freedom, and eventually got them, and it did feel like a victory.

And all of that is part of how stories work, too.

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akamarykate on April 28th, 2008 05:09 pm (UTC)

You know, since reading this I've been sitting here trying to think of a book I've read lately, for young people or adults, that isn't about loss in one way or another, and I can't come up with any. (Okay, maybe The Monster at the End of This Book and The Teacher from the Black Lagoon, which I read to my nephew last week.)

I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily--loss leads to conflict, it leads to characters wanting something, and don't we need those for stories to work? Loss at the end of the story makes for tragedy; loss at the beginning can lead to the characters regaining or replacing what was lost, or at least coping with the loss, and that can make for a comedic ending (in the lit crit sense of the word).

Um. Not sure I answered your question, there. My brain is running in tangents today.

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:50 pm (UTC)

Yeah, I'm thinking about that, too--is it even possible for a story not to involve losing things in the course of its journey?

Well--the Nancy Drew books? I mean, her mother was dead, but that wasn't really part of the story ... but it's been ages since I read those.

The Monster at the End of This Book is one of the Best Books Ever, by the way. It remains one of my personal favorites.

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akamarykate on April 28th, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)

TMATEOTB is fantastic--and always a hit. It was certainly my first introduction to interactive fiction. :)

(Do you know that you are very strong?)

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janni on April 28th, 2008 11:42 pm (UTC)

Oh man, that's like the best page in the whole book! (Talk about empowering your readers ...)

Have you read Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus? First book I've found that comes close in feel to TMATEOTB.

TMATEOTB is also the best media tie in book ever. :-)

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kelly_swails on April 28th, 2008 05:36 pm (UTC)

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

I do the same thing whether I'm writing for adults or YA. For me, I think it's probably because I write character-driven stories and there's no angst if no one's losing anything. To lose something, whether it be a parent or a pet frog, denotes the character cares about something, and that makes us care about the character and pulls us into the story. It's about sharing the human experience with the characters and feeling like we're not alone. Ultimately, it's all done subconsciously, I think, and it's a part of the way human have told stories since the very beginning. What is the story of Adam and Eve, if not one of loss?

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)

Do we need angst for fiction, though? Conflict, yes, but--are they the same thing?

I enjoy a good angsty story, mind you. Just pondering whether or not stories need this as much as we assume or not. Not honestly sure.

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kelly_swails on April 28th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC)

My first instinctive reply was "Of course not. A good espionage thriller has tons of conflict but the main character's got nothing to personally lose--he's just tryin' to save the world" but then I thought about it. Sometimes the author ups the ante by taking the character's wife hostage or setting the circumstances so the character has to chose to save one person or the entire world.

So, I guess my answer is, as always, "it depends." In this case, on the story you're trying to write.

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_twilight_ on April 28th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)

Perhaps childhood losses are especially memorable, some of them being our first of any type of loss, and that contributes to why they wind up on the pages.

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)

Could be, yeah. It's the whole "firsts" thing about children's and YA books both.

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azang on April 28th, 2008 05:46 pm (UTC)

Losing a loved one is terrifying, and I think one of the other reasons we write about it is the element of survival. There can be empowerment in the fact that we can lose, survive, overcome and learn to live again. At the end of that journey, we know more about ourselves and the growth is usually phenomenal. How can we not write about all of that?

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janni on April 28th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)

Yes. The whole business of "there's a way through the dark" is one of the things that drives much of my writing,too.

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azang on April 28th, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC)

I can't think of anything stronger than that. There may be themes that are close, but not only is this one powerful, it has a built in story arc.

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archangelbeth on April 28th, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC)

Kids need templates to help figure out how to cope? Authors remember having templates, or reading things that helped?

...alas, the only kid's book I wrote (and illustrated) was about a little feral cat who got a home and brought all his friends to live there as well. (I was, at the time, a teenager; it was actually parent-published and sold to some small number of people for their little-littles.)

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janni on April 28th, 2008 10:42 pm (UTC)

Quite possibly--there's definitely an element among kidwriters of wanting to pass on the things-that-helped-us-cope in books to the next generation.

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palomapus on April 28th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)

I rememember as a kid I was constantly trying to figure out how to prepare for loss. This could be true of all kids, or it could be the result of being born in the '60s and exposed to lots of scary loss stories courtesy of the Disney company. I just remember I was always trying to figure out a plan for dealing with loss. Funny.

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janni on April 28th, 2008 10:55 pm (UTC)

Sort of like trying out all the possibilities, and imagining how you'd respond if they happened?

I do remember being very aware I hadn't lost much as a kid, and wondering how I would cope once I did one day. Worrying about that a little, even.

Edited at 2008-04-28 10:55 pm (UTC)

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stormywriting on April 29th, 2008 04:54 pm (UTC)

It's a common theme in adult and childern's lives. It's one of the few conflicts that can really be put into childerns books.

And, maybe... the thought of childern, remembering one's childhood, puts one in the mood for loss.

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janni on April 29th, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)

A bit of adult sentimentalism probably does come into play, yeah. Though even more, as you say, the desire for conflict.

(Though for me, my memories of childhood are less sentimental than ... grateful I was able to escape to become a teen and then an adult and seize control of my own life--I even sorta harbor this secret fear someone might find out and make me go back! :-) One of the things I admire children for is being children, which is no easy thing ...)

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